Got back from Calgary last night. This morning did the usual stuff…picked up the car at the shop, bought groceries, did laundry. Went to the Post Office to pick up my accumulated mail. Sat in my car in the USPS parking lot rifling through the stack to see if anything important had showed up.
Found a letter addressed to me personally from:
US Department of Justice – Federal Bureau of Investigation
Now, I’m a law-abiding guy. I pay more than my fair share of taxes, keep my nose clean, open doors for old ladies, renew my car registration on time. Last time I got as much as a speeding ticket was in 1978. But this couldn’t be good. And it clearly wasn’t a scam.
Tore the envelope open, read the cover letter. Got to paragraph 2 and started cracking up. By paragraph 3 I was in a full-blown guffaw.
Here’s what the letter was about……
In 2006 Floyd Landis won the Tour de France. Shortly thereafter, it was revealed he’d failed a drug test during the race. He then was stripped of his title. Floyd decided to fight WADA and, after quickly running out of money, started an organization called The Floyd Fairness Fund to fund his legal fight.
I’d met Landis a couple of times. Seemed like a pretty cool guy. He was a Mennonite from Pennsylvania, for Christ’s sake. No way this guy was a doper (NOTE: Landis, it turns out, was a doper). I believed him (like a dumbass), so I sent him a check. Not a huge amount, but enough for a nice steak dinner for two.
Now the United States Department of Justice is sending me letters, telling me things like “we’ve identified you as a possible victim of a crime” and sending me pamphlets entitled “Help For Victims of Crime – Providing Services, Protecting Rights, Pursuing Justice“. They are going to fight to get me some of my money back, and I have an account on one of their web sites to check in on their progress in the case.
That’s nice. It’s good to see my tax dollars at work. I’d love to get my (very) modest sum of money back.
However, let’s talk about the greater good for a moment. Floyd Landis defrauded a few thousand people out of perhaps a million dollars. Maybe more. Bad, bad Floyd. [NOTE: according to an article in VeloNews, Landis defrauded 1,765 people out of $478,354] But I’d gladly let Floyd keep the money if USDOJ would drop the case and use the resources to go after Goldman Sachs, Citi, JP Morgan, et al for defrauding tens of millions of people out of TRILLIONS of dollars between their mortgage scams, the LIBOR scam, and the 2007-2008 bailout scams.
Landis is a cheating douchebag, he fooled me, shame on him. But do I want to see him in an orange jumpsuit? Nah, he’s suffered some really bad times as a result of his cheating, and he’s now broke. However, if Jamie Dimon or Lloyd Blankfein or any one of thousands of Wall Street executives (most of whom are still drawing 8-figure yearly bonuses) were to get frog-walked into the Manhattan Federal Courthouse in leg irons, I would happily pay my way to NY just to stand there, watch them do the perp walk, and perhaps toss a rotten tomato at them.
Come on, DOJ. You’re going after J-walkers while the bank at the crosswalk is being cleaned out.